I remember when I was so in love with being in love that I would struggle to let go of failed relationships. I also would hold onto friendships that were not working, and even stay in jobs that made me miserable. All the signs were there that it wasn’t working out but still I ignored them. The more I ignored the signs the more hurt and in pain I would feel. “Why isn’t this relationship working God?” I would ask. “Why doesn’t he see my value?” “But I need the money God”, “But we’ve been friends forever God.” I gave second chances to guys who didn’t even deserve a first chance. I held onto friendships that were clearly one sided and I stayed in unfulfilling jobs to get money that was barely paying my bills. I kept putting a comma where God had clearly put a period. Here I was this ambitious, hard-working, and loving woman, holding onto guys who didn’t put in enough effort; who didn’t appreciate me and who weren’t going hard for their goals like I was; holding onto friendships that were not fruitful, and not living a life of purpose.
I can write about this today because I am no longer ashamed of my past. My past taught me so many things and I have grown because of it. Back then I realized that I didn’t love myself and that is why I kept trying to make it work when God would give me sign after sign to let it go. God was giving me “NO” after “NO” and I kept saying, “no I am going to make it a yes”. I know there was and is a purpose to my pain, so instead of being ashamed I am using it to help other women avoid the mistakes I made or even sometimes still make (I am a work in progress).
One thing that I want you to know is that sometimes God’s rejection is for your protection. I made so many mistakes because he would give me a sign and I would say, “but God I want this”. I kept saying I couldn’t hear from God but he was talking to me through the pain, I just didn’t want to listen. God would close a door and I would keep knocking on it, not realizing that he closed it because it wasn’t even my door to begin with. God had something for me that was way better than what I was chasing after and here I was settling and wondering why I was always in pain. It was only when I learned to love myself and know my worth that I realized that I needed to trust God wholeheartedly. I needed to accept what God allowed even when it hurt. There were nights I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore over guys who weren’t even worth my time, over unfulfilling jobs and friends. Instead of realizing that God wanted more for me in these areas of my life I kept holding onto “nothing” When I finally began to love me some me and get to know God that is when I started accepting the “NO’s”. I cried still but less and less. Even now I still may cry or get upset when something is a no, but I do not stay upset or sad for long.
I realize that I cannot force things and that what is for me is for me, and if it is not working out then it is not for me and that God has something even greater waiting for me. I know sometimes you want what you want and you want it NOW, but sometimes God puts you in a season of waiting on purpose. Hold on just a little while longer instead of settling for less because so much more is waiting for you. When you do not trust what God blocks you cause yourself even more stress and you can delay your blessings. I remember one relationship in particular that I was holding onto for dear life when I was not being treated well. God said NO so hard and I felt so heartbroken, but later on in life I looked back and realized that God had saved me from so much more turmoil than I could imagine. Even when I wouldn’t listen and made mistake after mistake God was still there arms wide open with his promise. Sometimes I cry when I think about how much God loves me even when I make mistakes. It is because God loved me even when I didn’t love myself that I am still here pushing. Queen I know that “NO”, that “block” may be hurting you right now but I promise you that God is only preparing you for greatness. I promise you there is a purpose to your pain. Trust God and trust what he blocks. I know how hard it is. I write to all of you but I also write to myself. There are times when I do not trust the block and allow stress and worry to overcome me and then I remind myself of all the times God’s blocks ended up in me experiencing far greater things. No one said this would be easy, but it is possible. Trust what God blocks and remember that a queen will always turn pain into power.
Thanks for reading
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